


Leftover Ghosts

by skyclectic



Category: Super Junior, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, F/M, jeti bestfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 08:03:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12766644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyclectic/pseuds/skyclectic
Summary: “You can’t keep shutting me out forever.” Donghae grinds out between clenched teeth. “At some point you’re going to have to stop running away.”“I’m not running away.”“You’re not staying,” Donghae points out harshly, his words serrated around the edges.He takes a deep breath, trying to calm the sudden anger flaring and licking at his insides.“You’re not staying,” he repeats, a little gentler this time.“I can’t because I still love you, and if I stay, I cannot stop myself from wanting to get back together with you and starting over,” Jessica says, her voice full and heavy with emotion.





	Leftover Ghosts

**Author's Note:**

> Written and posted on helloparoxysm@livejournal on 27th March 2013.
> 
> Inspired in part, by a gossip girl fic I read years ago from livejournal.

He’s in the middle of a big meeting, staff assembled and 5 bright-eyed young trainees eagerly hanging onto his every word. He tugs at the tie knotted tightly around his neck as he lays out the plan for their debut and then he suddenly catches sight of her.

She’s at the back of the room, leaning casually against the wall, her hair wine red and hanging loose down her back, trying to blend in and failing because she’s always been one to stand out in a crowd.   
  
Donghae stops mid-sentence and stares, half believing that he’s dreaming because the idea of her standing right there at the other end of the room from him is so far-fetched and unlikely, it cannot be true. She tilts her head slightly, something very much like amusement dancing in her eyes.

Donghae blinks. “Jessica Jung,” he murmurs at last.   
  
She grins at him, all teeth, and sinks into an empty chair in the corner, crossing her legs and smoothing out the hem of her dress. She’s oblivious to the flurry of whispers and the pointed stares sweeping through the room like wildfire.   
  
“Please, don’t mind me,” she says, with too much ease, as though she does this every other day.  
  
Donghae frowns as the murmur of voices grows steadily louder. “Back to business, people.”  
  
Yonghyun, one of the trainees, stares up at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. “But sir – she’s –“  
  
Donghae levels a stern gaze at him and Yonghyun wilts, bowing his head respectfully.

“I know who she is,” he says evenly, voice carefully controlled. He lifts his gaze and meets Jessica’s eye.   
  
When she smiles at him again, he feels his heart grinding to a halt somewhere in his chest.

 

 

“Lee Donghae, Chief Executive Officer, East Sea Entertainment,” Jessica reads, straightening the glossy nameplate on his desk. “So, what’s it like? Being CEO?”  
  
Donghae sighs, he’s had a long day and he cannot bring himself to indulge her in one of her games. “What the hell are you doing here, Sooyeon?”  
  
She stiffens slightly at the mention of her Korean name (he’s the only one that has ever called her that) before smoothing her face into a neutral expression.

“It’s so nice to see you too. I’ve been well,” she says lightly, making herself comfortable in his desk chair. “Thank you for asking,  _oppa_.”  
  
He groans, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm. “Don’t try to be coy, Sica. You’re in my office, sitting in my desk chair.” 

 _And I haven’t seen you in over a year_ , he adds silently in his head.  
  
Amusement flickers through her eyes and she smirks at him from underneath heavy lashes. “So do something about it, then. Throw me out. ”  
  
Donghae frowns at her and allows another sigh to escape his chapped lips. “You know that I will never do anything like that to you.”  
  
If she has any reaction at all to those words, to the truth of them, she hides it well. Instead, she allows herself a brief, tight-lipped smile. “Always so sweet to me.”  
  
There are a million and one things that Donghae wants to say in reply but he forces himself to swallow the words and turns away. He walks over to his liquor cabinet, pours himself a glass of Whiskey and drinks it down in one blistering gulp. It burns the back of his throat but doesn’t quite quell the bitter taste on the roof of his mouth. 

He pours himself another glass. “What do you want from me, Sica?”  
  
He sees Jessica narrow her eyes slightly in the mirrored panel of the liquor cabinet in front of him. “Isn’t it too early for Whiskey?”  
  
It is too early but Jessica is here, in his office, sitting in his desk chair and he cannot bring himself to care anymore.  
  
“You should have called,” he says instead, moving back towards his desk and leaning against it, his knee almost touching hers.

He shifts a fraction of an inch to his left and repeats, “You should have called.”  
  
She holds his gaze, steady and unblinking. “If I did,” she murmurs, the faintest trace of apology underlining her words. “You would have seen me coming from miles away.”  
  
Donghae shakes his head, his lips twisting. “I never see you coming.”

 

 

One of the managers interrupts Donghae’s meeting with Jessica before he can get any real answers from her, and she leaves him with the promise that she’ll drop by again soon, and the scent of her perfume filling his office – heady and seductive – makes his throat close painfully.  
  
She’s changed it, her perfume, but that comes as no real surprise to him. She’s changed a lot about herself over the years; her eye color changes from an icy blue to forest green and then back to its natural brown and then some other color whenever she feels like having a change. Her hair never stays the same for longer than six months and she’s tried everything from auburn to blonde and even pink highlights once.   
  
Donghae knows all this because he’s been keeping tabs on her over the years. He has a folder full of glossy pictures of her and periodic updates from his contacts in America.

He knows random pieces of information about her from the snapshots he has; the way she always orders a green tea soya frappe no matter what city she’s in, the way she places her sunglasses like a crown on her head to keep her hair from flying into her face, the way she still smiles politely and signs her autograph for the fans that still recognize her, the way her signature is still the same as the one she used years ago when she was still a member of one of the most successful girl groups in Korea.  
  
He knows the important things about her too, of course. He knows that she lives her life moving from city to city, never staying long enough to settle down.

Officially, she’s an independent Korean-American artist, trying to break into the US market. In reality, she sings sporadically, two or three events a year, just enough to get her by but not enough to make it big, to be as big a star as she was in Korea.   
  
Donghae suspects that she knows he’s been keeping tabs on her but she’s never once confronted him about the hefty manila folder currently open on his lap. He thinks that there’s a part of her that wants him to know anyway, that even though she never calls or emails, a part of her still cares enough to let him in, even just a little bit. 

 

 

Donghae sips at his drink slowly, letting his gaze travel over the room. The room is buzzing with conversation and laughter, everyone is catching up with everyone else – it’s not every day that they all get to gather again at the same time and place, both former and current SM artistes and trainees alike.  
  
He smiles slightly as he notices Tiffany heading in his direction, winding her way through the crowd. He stands up and holds out his hand for her to take, quickly reaching out to steady her instead when she wobbles slightly. She smiles up at him, eyes curved and he smiles back, leading her to a nearby sofa.  
  
“Thanks, oppa,” she says, sitting down with a sigh. Her hand comes up to rub at the swell of her belly. “I’m a little unsteady these days. My ankles are so swollen it’s hard to keep my balance sometimes.”  
  
“I know,” Donghae says gently, rubbing small circles on her back. “It’ll pass before you know it. Sica –“ He stops and swallows thickly, feeling the familiar burn at the back of his throat.   
  
Tiffany is quiet for a moment and when she looks up at him again, her eyes are a little too glassy. “I’m sorry, oppa,” she murmurs quietly, reaching out to squeeze his hand.  
  
Donghae takes a deep breath, forces a smile onto his face and squeezes back. “It’s not your fault, Fany-ah.”  
  
Tiffany hesitates for a fraction of a second and her hand tightens around his. “She’s back in Seoul, isn’t she?”  
  
“How did you – Did she see you?”  
  
“Seulgi saw her, actually. In Cheongdam-dong.”   
  
Donghae scans the room and spots Seulgi at the other end of the room, deep in conversation with Taemin. He turns back to Tiffany, a frown creasing his forehead.  
  
“When?”  
  
“This morning. On her way to the hair salon.”  
  
“Did they talk?”  
  
“No, it was a sighting, nothing more. But it caught Seulgi’s attention. Jessica would catch anyone’s attention. And it’s been so long since she’s been in Seoul. Seulgi says her hair’s red now. Like wine.”  
  
Donghae pinches the bridge of his nose with his forefinger and thumb. He exhales heavily. “Yeah, I know.”  
  
“Did you see her?” Tiffany asks, and there’s a gentle edge to her voice that Donghae wants to hate.   
  
“She dropped by the office a couple of days ago. She said she would drop by again soon but she hasn’t,” he sucks in his cheeks and half-shrugs. “Typical, of course.”  
  
Tiffany is silent for a moment before she says, her voice careful, “She still needs some time, oppa.”  
  
“I know,” Donghae concedes wearily. “I know. It’s just – Sometimes I wish, she would just – She leaves and then comes back months or years later and then she disappears again and I –“

Donghae breaks off, running his hand through his hair roughly. “I’m tired, Fany. I’m tired of all the comings and goings.”  
  
Tiffany lets out a shaky breath. “Oppa.”  
  
“She doesn’t call, she doesn’t email,” the words are tumbling out from Donghae’s mouth before he can stop them. “She doesn’t even have the decency to check up on you and you’re her  _best friend_  and you’re having a  _baby_. She’s being so incredibly selfish.”  
  
His words hang stiffly in the air between them – a truth neither of them can deny. Donghae feels the beginnings of shame winding itself into a tight knot in the pit of his stomach. It is too late now to take anything back.  
  
Tiffany is the one brave enough to break the silence first. “She’s being Jessica.”

There is understanding in the very curve of her smile. “And it’s alright. She’s not ready yet.”  
  
Tiffany is nothing but forgiving – she understands, something that for years now, has been eluding him – and Donghae finds himself suddenly envious.

He turns away from her, and for what seems like the millionth time, wonders what it would take for Jessica to stop running away. 

 

 

Donghae toys with the idea of looking for her for a few days after the SM party. He knows that she’s still somewhere in Seoul – Krystal told him that Jessica intended to stay in Korea for a while, though god only knows for how long.   
  
In the end, Donghae decides not to look for her. He figures that if she wanted to meet him, she would come to him on her own.  
  
It’s enough that he sees her in dreams that he wishes he didn’t have.

 

 

Donghae finds her, unintentionally and completely by accident, at the columbarium.   
  
His heart feels like it’s trying to stage some sort of violent escape from his body; it beats erratically – a hammer against the hard edges of his ribs – before settling at the base of his throat.   
  
She’s just Jessica,  _Sooyeon_ , standing there, and it’s devastating and heart-breaking all at the same time.

It hurts, it physically hurts him to look at her, at the way she’s holding herself, caved inwards with her hand over her heart, like there’s a hollow there that can never be filled. Her thin shoulders seemed tiny, overwhelmed by the heavy weight of her pain.   
  
Jessica shifts away from him slightly when he approaches, allowing Donghae to reach out and put the bouquet of lilies he brought into the empty porcelain vase. He runs his fingers lightly over the engraved name, tracing out the hangul letters one by one.

She is silent beside him, perfectly still. She doesn’t pull away when he reaches out for her; instead, she fits herself against the sharp edges of him, letting her head rest on his chest. They stay that way for a moment, letting the silence linger between them.  
  
“You came back to Seoul for her,” he murmurs softly into her hair; it’s not a question.   
  
Jessica nods slightly and pulls away from him to lean forward. She presses her lips to the cold marble, right where the picture is. It is this gesture that makes tears spring hotly to his eyes and Donghae blinks, letting them fall.

She leans back against him, struggling to take ragged breaths and he lets her rest her tear-stained cheek on his shoulder, her lips warm against the hollow of his throat.  
  
“It still – It still hurts,” she says, her words branding his skin. Her voice is splintered and raw, like as though it’s taking all the energy she has to force the words out from within herself. “I thought – I thought that – that if I went away far enough – if I became someone else, then maybe – maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much.”  
  
Donghae nods. “I know, baby. I know.”  
  
It is painful listening to her struggle to find the words to match her feelings so Donghae just pulls her closer, fitting his arms more securely around her. He plants a kiss on her temple, gentle and tender.

He wants nothing more than to take all her pain away, to go back in time so that he can fix everything, so that neither of them would be quite as broken as they are now. 

 

 

Donghae doesn’t blame her for blaming him; he never will.  
  
It was his fault, after all. They were young and at the height of their idol careers. She hadn’t been ready to be someone’s mother, but he had asked her to. He asked her not to have an abortion, asked her to marry him – asked her to start a family with him.  
  
She said yes, to all of the above, but the fact remains that he had asked her to.  
  
He asked and it changed everything, the world as they knew it shifted dramatically. And then, barely two years later, when they had gotten used to living a normal life as parents, as a family, as non-idols, their world fell apart again.  
  
It was his fault, all of it. He’d been the one to tear her apart and break her into so many pieces she cannot sew herself back together again.   
  
He was the one that did that to her. 

 

 

Jessica kicks off her shoes and disappears down the hallway to his room before he even closes the front door. They’ve done this too many times and for far too long that they simply skip all pretenses and polite niceties.

It’s not the first time she’s been to his apartment, nor will it be the last, Donghae knows.  
  
Donghae removes his jacket and throws it carelessly over the sofa. He thinks that the last time he slept with her was over a year ago in some New York hotel room when he was there for a meeting. She had turned up unannounced, like she always does, and like always, he didn’t have the strength to turn her away. Her hair had been blonde then.  
  
He enters the bedroom and finds her sitting at the very edge of his bed, her hair falling in a messy waterfall down her back. She looks at him with dark, bottomless eyes. “What are you waiting for?”   
  
Donghae holds her gaze as he unbuttons his shirt and shrugs it off, letting it fall noiselessly to the hardwood floor. He moves towards her and spreads his hand against her cheek. Jessica lets her eyes drift close and she sighs softly when his thumb brushes gently against her cheekbone.

“You’re beautiful, Sooyeon-ah,” he whispers, his voice hoarse, before he tilts her face up and kisses her.  
  
Jessica makes a soft, quiet sound against his mouth and her hand comes up to pull him closer, warm against the back of his neck.   
  
Gently, Donghae lays her down on his bed. Her eyes are closed again, her eyelashes a brush of charcoal over her pale skin.

Donghae thinks that he will never get tired of looking at her, at the way the sunlight streaming in ribbons through his window is turning the skin at the hollow of her throat a warm shade of golden, the way she glows, radiant and heart-breakingly beautiful.  
  
Her eyes flutter open and she looks at him, really looks at him for the first time and something in Donghae breaks.

He kisses her, suddenly desperate, and she kisses back harder, whimpering into his mouth. He runs his hands along the staircase of her spine, trying to commit every inch of her skin to memory, and she clings to him as he moves over her, wrapping her legs firmly around his waist, an anchor as they slowly lose themselves in each other.

 

 

Donghae startles awake, groggy and disoriented. He always is after he sleeps with Jessica.

The space beside him is empty; the sheets still warm and his pillow smells faintly of her perfume. He sighs as he gets up, pulling on his boxers and a t-shirt before he pads out of the room in search of her.  
  
Donghae isn’t surprised when he finds her lacing up her boots by the front door.

Jessica looks up when he clears his throat, then looks away quickly, not meeting his eye. Donghae sees that her fingers are trembling slightly even though her back is straight and her face a perfect mask of indifference.   
  
“Are you going to just leave without saying goodbye?” Donghae asks, trying but failing to keep the sharp edge of frustration out of his voice.   
  
This is something she does, leave before he wakes up and it’s not like he isn’t used to it but today, this time, for some inexplicable reason, he wants her to stay.   
  
Maybe it’s because their daughter died seven years ago today.   
  
“Don’t,” she says and there’s a tremor in her voice that makes Donghae’s heart ache.   
  
Donghae reaches out and circles his fingers around her wrist. He runs his thumb over the inked tattoo there, feeling her pulse jump slightly. It’s a treble clef; she had it inked into her skin, a constant reminder of their daughter.  _Let’s name her Yoonmi, for beautiful melody_.  
  
“Sooyeon.”  
  
Jessica exhales, a soft and quiet sound, and peels his fingers slowly one by one off her wrist. “I can’t. You know I can’t.”  
  
She reaches out and lays her palm on his cheek, her thumb curving along the line of his jaw. “I’m sorry,” she whispers.   
  
Donghae closes his eyes, struggling to keep himself from crying. He doesn’t know what makes him say it but before he can stop himself, the words slip out from his mouth like a dirty secret, like water flooding out from a burst dam.

“Fany is having a girl. She told me.”  
  
He can feel her reel sharply away and he hears her let out a dry sob. He doesn’t have to look at her to know that she is crying and he wishes suddenly that he never said anything at all.   
  
When he opens his eyes again, Jessica is already gone.

 

 

“You told her?” Tiffany growls into the phone, furious, the moment he picks up her call. “You told her I’m having a girl? Why would you do that to her?”  
  
Donghae sighs. “I didn’t mean to –“  
  
“She was a mess when she turned up at my doorstep,” Tiffany snaps at him, accusation heavy in her voice.  
  
Donghae’s heart lurches painfully in his chest. “Is she – is she okay?”  
  
Tiffany exhales, her temper dissolving as quickly as it had come. “She’s sleeping off her hangover in the guest bedroom.”  
  
Donghae blows out a breath and begins pacing the length of his office. “She was drunk?”   
  
“You could smell the alcohol off her from a mile away.”  
  
“Shit, Fany, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to –“  
  
“I know.”  
  
“I just, I want her to stop. Stop running away. She’s not the only one hurting,” Donghae sinks into his chair and lays his head down on the table.

“Yoonmi was my baby too,” he manages to say around the lump in his throat.   
  
“Oppa, I’m not the one you need to tell this to.”  
  
Tiffany opens the door when he knocks and reaches up to plant a kiss on his cheek. “She’s in the kitchen.”

“Thanks, Fany-ah,” Donghae says quietly, squeezing her elbow.   
  
Tiffany smiles and gestures Donghae in the direction of the kitchen and Donghae can’t help but roll his eyes fondly; he comes over for dinner at least twice a month, he knows the entire layout of their house like the back of his hand.  
  
He finds Jessica with her head on the kitchen table and takes a moment to stare at her, feeling the guilt knotting tightly in the pit of his stomach. He clears his throat slightly and Jessica looks up with weary eyes.   
  
“Hey,” he says in greeting. “I brought drinks.”  
  
“Hey,” she says softly, not quite meeting his eye, her lips pressed in a thin line.  
  
Donghae swallows and hands her a green tea soya frappe. Jessica lifts her head up, giving him a slightly startled look. He pretends not to see her bloodshot eyes and the silver tear tracks lining her cheeks.   
  
“I know it’s your favorite,” he says simply.  
  
Jessica allows herself a small tight-lipped smile. She shakes her head and reaches instead for his Americano. “I need caffeine. My head hurts.”  
  
Donghae watches as she takes a measured gulp, wincing slightly as it blisters down her throat.

He allows her to sip his coffee for a while before he clears his throat and breaks the silence. “I didn’t tell you Fany’s having a girl to hurt you, Sica –”  
  
“Don’t,” she breathes hurriedly, cutting him off mid-sentence. “Please, don’t.”  
  
“You can’t keep shutting me out forever.” Donghae grinds out between clenched teeth. “At some point you’re going to have to stop running away.”  
  
“I’m not running away.”  
  
“You’re not  _staying_ ,” Donghae points out harshly, his words serrated around the edges. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm the sudden anger flaring and licking at his insides.

“You’re not staying,” he repeats, a little gentler this time.   
  
“I can’t because I still love you, and if I stay, I cannot stop myself from wanting to get back together with you and starting over,” Jessica says, her voice full and heavy with emotion.   
  
Donghae’s heart sinks rapidly in his chest. “Sica, I’m not asking you to –“   
  
“When you asked me to marry you, you were so happy – you couldn’t wait to start a family with me. It’s what you’ve always wanted,” she continues softly, staring down at the table. “I can’t – I can’t give that to you now. It still hurts and I – I don’t know if it will ever stop hurting.”   
  
Her knuckles turn white around the cup in her hands. “I didn’t run away,” she admits brokenly, voice catching in her throat. “I shut you out because I gave you up.”  
  
"Sooyeon… _fuck_ ," he breathes. "I didn't ask you to marry me because you were pregnant. I didn't ask you to keep the baby because I couldn’t wait to start a family with you. I did those things because I love you.”

He tilts her chin up, forces her to look him in the eye and confesses, “I do everything because I love you."

 

 

Donghae doesn’t hear from her after he leaves and he doesn’t call either.   
  
He finds her wedding ring in a sealed envelope smelling faintly of her perfume, on top of his desk a week after, postmarked from San Francisco.   
  
He goes to his daughter’s grave and puts her ring and the one around his finger in the vase next to a bouquet of lilies.   
  
_I’m sorry baby_ , he thinks.  _I tried but I can’t fix this. I don’t know how._

 

 

Siwon opens the door when he knocks, pulls him into a brief one-armed hug and gestures him inside.  
  
“I’m sorry I didn’t call before I came.”  
  
“Don’t be silly hyung, you never have to,” Siwon says lightly. He pushes Donghae down into a chair at the dining table.   
  
Tiffany bustles in with a steaming pot of  _kimchi jigae_  and Siwon hastens to help her, chiding her for not calling for his help earlier. Tiffany rolls her eyes and Donghae can’t help but smile even though their obvious happiness makes something in his chest clench.   
  
They settle down to dinner, talking about nothing in particular. They don’t talk about Jessica and Donghae is at once grateful and relieved.   
  
Halfway through dessert, Tiffany lets out a surprised gasp and her hand comes up to rest against the swell of her belly.   
  
“Did she kick?” Donghae asks quietly.  
  
Tiffany hesitates before nodding, the ghost of a smile on her lips.  
  
Donghae forces himself to smile back and takes a sip out of his wine glass, trying to ignore the way both of them are staring intently at him.   
  
“Hyung,” Siwon begins, voice cautious. “Do you want to talk about it?”  
  
“There’s nothing to talk about,” Donghae replies curtly, injecting just a faint hint of finality into his voice.  
  
Siwon hesitates, swallows his words then nods and they resume eating their cakes until Tiffany, unable to restrain herself, breaks the tentative quiet.

“You’re not wearing your wedding ring,” she points out, ignoring the quelling look Siwon sends in her direction.  
  
“No, I’m not,” Donghae agrees in a quiet voice after half a beat of silence.  
  
“Oppa –“  
  
“My marriage is over, Fany-ah,” Donghae cuts in sharply; he doesn’t want to hear whatever it is she has to say. “Has been over for a long _long_ time.”   
  
He notices Siwon eyeing Tiffany wearily as she takes a deep breath, tensed and ready for a fight.   
  
“She left,” He says abruptly, shoving a spoonful of cake into his mouth, the sweetness of the chocolate not enough to mask the bitterness thick on the roof of his mouth.   
  
The silence that greets his words stretches for a long time, taut with tension and a million unspoken words.  
  
“She always leaves,” Tiffany finally settles on saying, her voice gentler than Donghae has ever heard it.   
  
_Yes_ , he thinks bitterly.  _She always leaves_.

 

 

_After the funeral, Donghae finds her in their daughter’s room, curled up in the rocking chair, Yoonmi’s favorite blanket clutched tightly in her hands. She doesn’t look at him when he enters the room, staring blankly into thin air.  
  
“Sooyeon, I – “ he breaks off, the words dying in his throat when she turns to look at him, grief ravaging her beautiful face.  
  
“She’s dead,” Jessica whispers so softly he almost misses it. “Our daughter is – She’s dead.”  
  
“Yes,” he says numbly, unable to think of anything else to say. “She is.”  
  
Jessica lets out a sob and crumples into herself, muffling the cries with her palm pressed flat against her mouth. She pulls away when he reaches out for her.  
  
Donghae doesn’t stop her when she leaves.   
  
He spends hours, with his cheek pressed against the cold marble floor beside his dead daughter’s crib, falling in and out of sleep.   
  
He wakes up in the morning and finds her packing. She pulls away when he reaches out for her.  
  
Donghae doesn’t stop her when she leaves, leaving her side of the wardrobe empty and his heart shattered into a million pieces over their bedroom floor._

 

 

She calls him three weeks later in the middle of the night.  
  
“Sooyeon,” he croaks blearily, trying to rub the sleep away from his eyes. He glances at the alarm clock on his bedside table; three in the morning. “What’s wrong?”  
  
She exhales shakily. “Eight.”  
  
“Eight what?” he asks, even though he knows exactly what she means. He’s been keeping count too every year since.  
  
“She would have turned eight today,” she murmurs and Donghae feels his chest tighten sharply.  
  
“Yeah,” he says quietly. “I know.”  
  
They are both quiet for a long moment before she breaks the silence in a hushed whisper, “If she hadn’t died, we would still be okay right? We’d still be happy.”  
  
“Yeah, we would,” he tells her honestly.  
  
“Will you ever forgive me?”   
  
Donghae closes his eyes and thinks about what she said about giving him up, thinks of all the times she left and he had let her.  
  
She gave him up, but he had let her go.   
  
Donghae blows out a breath. “Will you ever forgive me?” he echoes instead.

 

 

He spends the rest of the night tossing and turning in his sleep, haunted by memories ill-disguised as dreams.   
  
Jessica’s smile at the altar on their wedding day, right before he leans over to kiss her. Jessica curled up against his side, as they read the morning papers, occasionally pausing to feel their daughter kick and move inside her. Jessica and their daughter posing for the camera, identical smiles on their faces. Jessica’s screams when they find Yoonmi cold and blue in her crib, foaming at the mouth.   
  
He wakes up drenched in sweat, tears stinging abruptly in his eyes.

 

 

It is still early in the morning, the sky a shade of pale grey, when Donghae steps out of his car and makes his way into his office building.   
  
His phone rings just as he unlocks the door to his office and he answers the call without checking to see who it is. “Hello?”  
  
“Hyung!” Siwon greets enthusiastically, breathless with excitement. “Hi!”  
  
“Hi Siwon,” he glances at his watch.

“It’s 6 in the morning and the sun isn’t even up yet. This better be good,” Donghae continues pretending to be annoyed.  
  
“I’m sorry, hyung. Did I wake you?” Siwon apologises, suddenly unsure. “I can call back later – “  
  
Donghae laughs, picturing the concerned frown on Siwon’s face. “Relax. It’s okay. I just got to the office anyway.”   
  
“You’re at work?” Siwon asks incredulously.   
  
“I couldn’t sleep,” Donghae says easily, sinking down into his desk chair. “So, what’s up?”  
  
Donghae can hear the smile in Siwon’s voice as he says, “Miyoung had the baby. I have – I have a daughter.”  
  
“Wow, Siwon. Congratulations,” Donghae says sincerely, meaning every word.  
  
He closes his eyes and thinks about how Siwon is exactly like him; how Siwon is the only one that calls his wife by her Korean name, how eight years ago he had said those exact same words, a smile in his voice as he looks down at his newborn daughter cradled securely in his arms. 

 

 

His thoughts inevitably lead him to Jessica and Donghae finds himself pulling out the manila folder in his desk drawer and laying it open on his lap.   
  
He fingers the glossy edge of one of the photographs; a close-up of Jessica’s face, her hair framing her face in dark ribbons, her eyes the palest shade of blue he has ever seen. Her eyes are bottomless and she has a stare that stretched to infinity. It sends shivers down Donghae’s spine, how easy it is for someone to drown in the oceans of her eyes.   
  
He thinks about how there was a time when he had known her, known her better than he had ever known anyone. There was a time when he could fall into the depths of her eyes and not drown, crushed by wave after wave of devastating loss. 

 

 

Donghae drops by the hospital after dinner – he knows that he’s probably one of the last few people to visit but he figures that Tiffany and Siwon won’t miss him with the never ending string of family and friends dropping by with well wishes.   
  
“Hyung,” Siwon greets happily, when he enters room 720.   
  
Before Donghae manages to open his mouth to reply, Siwon’s arms are wrapped tightly around him, his chin pressing painfully on the crown of Donghae’s head. Donghae squeezes back just as hard and he suddenly remembers hugs like these backstage after a successful concert, both of them high on adrenaline and feeling invincible.   
  
He hasn’t felt like that in a long time, not since Yoonmi died and his wife packed her bags and ran half-way across the world trying to escape the suffocating grief.   
  
“Are you crying into my hair, Siwon-ah?” he teases, and Siwon squeezes him one last time before letting him go.   
  
Siwon grins at him, wide-eyed and happy. “I’m just really glad you’re here, hyung.”   
  
Donghae feels his lips stretch into a smile. “Me too.”   
  
He moves towards the bed and leans down to press a kiss to Tiffany’s cheek. “And how is mommy doing?”  
  
Tiffany smiles at him warmly, a bundle of pink blanket nestled in her arms. “Hi, oppa.”  
  
Donghae takes a deep breath and looks into the baby’s face. “Hi, baby girl,” he greets softly, running a finger down the side of her smooth cheek. “I’m your Uncle Donghae…but you can call me oppa, I won’t mind.”  
  
He laughs when Tiffany nudges him with a half-hearted glare. “What’s her name?”  
  
Before either of them can answer, there is a soft knock on the door. The three of them turn and find Jessica standing nervously on the threshold, a bouquet of flowers in her hands. “Hi,” she greets softly, trying and failing to smile.  
  
“Jessi, hi,” Tiffany breathes quietly, and they stare at each other for a moment before Tiffany breaks into one of her famous moon-eyed smiles and beckons Jessica over to the bed.   
  
Jessica steps into the room cautiously, sets the flowers on the bedside table and takes the hand Tiffany offers her, intertwining their fingers together.   
  
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Tiffany murmurs, running her thumb gently over the back of Jessica’s palm.   
  
A smile blooms tentatively on Jessica’s face and she bends to press a soft kiss to Tiffany’s forehead.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” she says softly, sincerely.   
  
Her eyes drift down to glance at the baby, taking in the rosy cheeks, the barely-open eyes, the tightly furled fingers. Her smile wavers slightly and she only just manages to keep it from sliding off her face, “She’s beautiful, Fany.”  
  
“Thank you,” Tiffany says earnestly, squeezing Jessica’s hand. She hesitates, studying Jessica’s face carefully before asking, her voice gentle, “Would you like to hold her?”  
  
Jessica breathes in harshly, disentangling her fingers from Tiffany’s and taking a tiny involuntary step back. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I –“  
  
“Hey, it’s okay sweetheart. Don’t apologize,” Tiffany reaches out and circles her fingers around Jessica’s wrist, brushing lightly against her tattoo. “Whenever you’re ready,” she smiles reassuringly, soft and tinged with sadness, her fingers tenderly tracing the inked treble clef.   
  
Jessica nods shakily and Donghae can see the way her breath hitches slightly in her chest. She closes her eyes for a second before reaching into her bag and pulling out a warm pink blanket Donghae recognizes instantly. He cannot help the sharp exhale of breath that escapes his lips as Jessica tucks the blanket gently under the baby’s chin.   
  
“It’s Yoonmi’s – “ Jessica swallows hard and takes a deep shuddering breath. “It was – It was her favorite.”  
  
“Oh, Jessi,” Tiffany breathes, her bottom lip trembling and looking like she’s on the verge of tears.  
  
Donghae feels his heart folding rapidly into itself as Jessica’s eyes flutter towards him, her eyelashes wet and heavy with sadness. He swallows around the lump in his throat and moves towards her, touching her back lightly. She turns into him a little, her fingers twisting the fabric of his shirt. Donghae presses a kiss to her temple and murmurs soothingly, tugging her closer.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jessica says, the words choked in her throat. A lone tear slips down her cheek and Donghae uses the pad of his thumb to brush it away.   
  
"Don’t be, Sica,” Siwon consoles gently. “There’s nothing to be sorry about.”  
  
Jessica buries her face into his chest and Donghae holds her tightly, one hand curled protectively around her waist and another cupping the back of her neck, his fingers tangling in her hair.   
  
“I’m sorry,” she mumbles against his neck, her knuckles white from gripping his shirt so tightly, Donghae can map out the intersection of veins beneath her skin.   
  
“Me too,” he whispers back to her, lips warm against her temple. 

 

 

Jessica allows him to hold her hand, and Donghae drives with one hand on the steering wheel and the other resting comfortably in her lap, his fingers entangled with hers.   
  
While waiting for the traffic light to turn green, he turns to her and waits for her to turn red-rimmed eyes towards him. “Stay with me.”  
  
He feels Jessica tense up so he runs his thumb in soothing circles over the back of her hand, over and over and over until she relaxes again.   
  
“You can’t miss Lily’s christening. So, stay with me.”  
  
“Until then?” she asks wearily.  
  
Donghae means  _stay with me, I don’t want to let you go again_  but that’s not what she wants, what she  _needs_  to hear so he just nods.  
  
“Okay,” she concedes after a beat and turns away, leaning her cheek against the window. 

 

 

The next morning, Jessica pads into the kitchen, dressed in one of his sweatshirts; it’s too big for her and hangs off her shoulder and past her hands. She rubs the sleep away from her eyes and blinks when she sees the spread on the table.  
  
“Good morning, sunshine,” Donghae greets, slipping into a chair and picking up his fork. “Let’s eat. I’m starving.”  
  
He raises his eyebrow and gives her a pointed look when she doesn’t move. “What?”  
  
“Waffles and pancakes?” she asks with a wry twist of her lips. “And bagels?”  
  
He shrugs. “I thought you might miss American food.”  
  
She stares at him impassively for a moment before shaking her head. “Not really,” she admits. “I just want a bowl of rice and some  _miyeok-guk_.”  
  
Donghae struggles to keep the surprise from showing on his face and hums in thought instead. “We can make some ourselves.”  
  
Jessica tilts her head at him uncertainly. “You know how to make  _miyeok-guk_?”  
  
“No,” Donghae admits easily. “But I borrowed recipes from my mum to learn.”  
  
Jessica frowns in confusion and Donghae clarifies before she gets a chance to ask. “I wanted to learn so every year I could make some for our kids.”   
  
It occurs to him that it’s too early in the morning for that kind of confession but it’s been seven years and Donghae is tired of hurting, tired of keeping words locked behind his teeth like dirty secrets.   
  
Jessica swallows hard but she doesn’t flee like he expects her to. Instead, in a quiet voice, she asks, “Is there a supermarket nearby?”

 

 

Jessica is curled up in the middle of the bed, propped up amidst pillows, calmly absorbed in a book. She's wearing one of his shirts again, glasses pressed to the bridge of her nose, her hair wispy and tumbling over her face.   
  
Donghae glances at the cover and recognizes it as the illustrated copy of Alice in Wonderland that Tiffany got for Yoonmi's first birthday gift.  
  
Jessica shifts wordlessly, without looking at him, concentrating instead on turning the page. Donghae recognizes it as an invitation and slips in under the covers beside her.  
  
She curls up against his side and he lets his hand rest comfortably on her hip. Donghae glances at the page, frowning at the unrecognizable words, unable to make out anything that makes sense to him. He's never quite gotten the hang of English even though he was a member of a global boy band and Jessica has been trying to teach him for years.  
  
Jessica's voice is wistful, tinged slightly with sadness and quiet longing as she breaks the silence. "When I start to miss her too badly, I read this and pretend that I'm reading her a bedtime story."  
  
Her confession startles him, catches him by surprise, making his heart race uncomfortably in his ribs. He watches as her fingers trace over a picture of the Mad Hatter and The Queen of Hearts.  
  
"You can read it to me," he tells her, pulling her closer and bringing up his fingers to tangle in her hair.

It's a poor compromise but it's the only thing Donghae can offer her.

 

 

They settle into a comfortable routine. After the first week, Donghae stops waiting for the other shoe to drop, stops expecting to come home after work to an empty apartment and Jessica nowhere to be found.   
  
At night, they sit together on his bed, curled up around each other as she reads to him, her voice taking him to other worlds and magical places. It's nice and comforting and they don't talk about their daughter or whatever this thing between them is.  
  
When her voice starts to turn hoarse or when sleep hangs threateningly to their eyelids, Donghae slips gently out of her embrace, presses his lips tenderly to the cool skin of her cheek and leaves to sleep on the sofa.  
  
She always whispers goodnight right before he pulls the door close behind him.  
  
It hurts him a little how a simple goodnight sounds too much like an apology.

 

 

“Jessica?” he calls, the moment he enters the silent apartment. He sets the takeout boxes on the kitchen table and when she doesn’t answer, his heart seizes painfully in his chest like every time it does when she leaves without saying goodbye.  
  
“Where are you?” he calls out again, trying to force down the panic starting to bubble dangerously in his throat. “Sooyeon?”  
  
He feels relief wash over him in waves when he sees her curled up in the armchair in his study. “Did you not hear – “ his voice dies in his throat when he realizes what she’s looking at.  
  
Their daughter’s face smiles up at him, sunlight in her eyes, one of her hands outstretched as she reaches out for the camera, and Donghae suddenly finds it hard to breathe, a familiar burn at the back of his throat. 

Numbly, he realises that Jessica must have found the photo album tucked away at the top of his book shelf when she was looking for something else to read.  
  
“She was so beautiful,” Jessica breathes, her finger tracing over Yoonmi’s face, the arch of her eyebrows, the gentle slope of her cheekbones, the edges of her smile. “When I first held her in my arms and saw her face, I thought I’ve never seen anything more beautiful.”  
  
Donghae doesn’t trust himself to speak so he compromises and grips the back of the armchair hard enough for the skin over the back of his hands to turn white.  
  
“But she disappeared,” Jessica continues. “Like people do when they’re too beautiful.”  
  
She looks up at him then, eyes dark and liquid. “And one day, after all that I’ve put you through, you’re going to disappear from me too. Because you’re too beautiful and I don’t deserve you.”   
  
Donghae breathes in sharply then on impulse, tilts her chin towards him and cradles her face in his hands, kissing her hard enough to bruise. He tastes her tears, salty against her lips and his heart aches, a dull pain throbbing against his ribs.  
  
He swallows her surprised gasp and runs his tongue over her bottom lip and something in her snaps and she kisses him back harder, teeth clashing against his. She pushes at him, until his back hits the parquet floor and she falls heavily on top of him, pressing hot kisses right under his jaw, trailing down the column of his neck. His pulse jumps when she sucks lightly at his skin and undoes the buttons on his shirt so that she can drag cold fingers down his chest and Donghae can’t help the groan that escapes, feeling arousal shoot through his veins.  
  
Jessica must feel it too because she stops suddenly and pulls away, tugging at his pants and tossing them aside. Her eyes are dark and needy with want as she lifts her arms so that he can tug her dress over her head. He uses that opportunity to gently flip them over so that she’s the one flat on her back instead. He slides a hand beneath one of her knees and she gets the message, wrapping her legs around him, heels digging painfully into his lower back.

Afterwards, when she falls asleep, he carries her and lays her down gently on his bed before going to the living room and falling asleep on the sofa. 

 

 

Donghae startles awake, groggy and disoriented. He always is after he sleeps with Jessica.

He can smell something burning in the kitchen and it takes him a minute to shake the cobwebs off in his head and remember that he’s not the only one in the apartment.  
  
His joints pop when he gets up from the sofa and he finds her guiltily trying to scrape what looks like burnt eggs into the trashcan, wrinkling her nose lightly at the smell.  
  
“Are you trying to burn down my kitchen?”   
  
“I was trying to be nice and make you breakfast,” she says pointedly.  
  
“To make up for jumping on me last night?” Donghae grins at her, his smile widening when she glares at him and tugs impatiently at the apron slung around her neck.   
  
“I did not  _jump_  on you,” Jessica says indignantly, dumping the pan into the sink and beginning to scrub it furiously. “And I didn’t hear  _you_  complaining.”   
  
Donghae hums, sliding over until he’s resting near the sink, watching her. She lets out a frustrated noise at the back of her throat when the pan remains charred and black.   
  
Jessica turns to him and her eyes soften slightly. “You might have to get a new pan.”   
  
“It’s no big deal,” Donghae offers diplomatically. “Besides, you’re not exactly known for your cooking skills.”  
  
“What am I known for then?”  
  
“The one that I let get away,” Donghae admits after a beat. He knows that’s not the answer she’s expecting to hear but after last night, after everything that’s happened between them, he feels a pressing need to be honest with her, to tell her what he should have told her years ago.   
  
He sighs when Jessica freezes, staring at him with an unreadable expression in her eyes. “You’re not the only one to blame Sooyeon-ah.”   
  
“You may have given me up,” he continues, holding her gaze and wishing for the millionth time he could go back to when they were happy, back when Yoonmi was still alive and breathing. “But I’m guilty too because I didn’t fight for you and I let you go.”  
  
Her face is pale and there is a quiet maelstrom in her eyes before she blinks and it clears and he knows that she understands why he’s telling her this, that he’s trying to say  _I’m guilty too and I blame you only as much as you blame me and only as much as we blame ourselves_.   
  
The smile she offers him is bittersweet, nowhere near reaching her eyes but it's still there and Donghae finds himself daring to let the small flicker of hope burgeon in his chest, unchecked and unrestrained.

 

 

Donghae is on the edge of sleep, about to drift off when a cool hand lands on his cheek, thumb pressing into the line of his jaw.   
  
In the darkness he barely makes out Jessica’s face, half-framed in moonlight, staring at him with liquid eyes.   
  
“It’s cold out here,” she murmurs, her fingers tracing the slope of his cheekbones over and over again. “Come to bed.”  
  
Donghae doesn’t question her and just allows her to tug his wrist and lead him to the bedroom.  
  
They fall asleep with her face pressed hard into his collarbone, his chin tucked over the top of her head, their legs tangled together under the sheets.

 

 

Jessica is notorious for being a heavy sleeper. It takes her forever and even longer to wake up from slumber even though she falls asleep the moment her head hits the pillow. Donghae knows this only too well, after all the stories her former band mates tell him and after having shared a life with her even if it was short-lived.  
  
So he’s not surprised when she doesn’t stir at all even after he calls her name repeatedly.  
  
“Jessica, come on. Rise and shine,” he intones, poking her sharply in the side.  
  
She slits open an eye to glare at him beneath heavy lashes before rolling over and burying her face into his pillow.  
  
“Go away,” her voice is muffled into the pillow but he can still make out the annoyance seeping into her words.  
  
Donghae ignores her in favor of tugging at her ankle until she ends up sprawled at the floor next to his feet.  
  
She looks up at him, her eyes steely and her voice tempered in ice. “ _What_?”  
  
“Don’t frown, you’ll get wrinkles,” he tells her, using the tip of his finger to poke at the deep frown creasing her forehead.  
  
He pulls her to her feet and steers her in the direction of the balcony, forcing her down into one of the deck chairs.  
  
Jessica gives him a thoroughly unimpressed look. “What am I seeing exactly? The sun isn’t even up yet.”  
  
Donghae beams at her, unaffected by the cold stare she shoots in his direction. “Exactly. I wanted to watch the sunrise with you.”  
  
Jessica’s eyebrows disappear into her hair before her face knots in exasperation. “If this is another one of your romantic gestures or whatever, it’s not working.”  
  
“But?”  
  
She narrows her eyes at him then sighs in defeat and leans back against the chair, trying to get comfortable. “But you’re lucky I love you so much because then I don’t have the heart to kill you for interrupting my beauty sleep.”  
  
“You love me huh?” he says, tangling their fingers together. “I must be the luckiest person on earth then.” He concedes, brushing his lips against her knuckles and chuckling when she rolls her eyes at him.   
  
They watch the sunrise together and at some point, Jessica falls asleep again, curled up in the deck chair. He takes a moment to admire just how beautiful she is, the sunlight a golden halo around her hair and Donghae is struck again by how he would never quite want to look anywhere else again.   
  
Donghae swears he can catch the faint hint of a smile on her face when he lifts her up in his arms and carries her back to bed. 

 

 

If Jessica is a heavy sleeper, Donghae is the exact opposite so when he hears muffled sobbing from her side of the bed; he’s wide awake in an instant.  
  
He flicks on the bedside lamp and it reflects the tear tracks running down her face. Donghae reaches over to brush her hair off her sweaty brow. “Hey,” he says softly. “Wake up, it’s just a nightmare, baby.”  
  
Jessica jerks awake with a gasp, her fingers clenched tight around the bed sheets. He’s startled when she turns towards him and cries harder, sobs hitching in her throat.  
  
“It’s okay, sweetheart,” he soothes, wrapping his arm around her waist and tugging until she’s pressed tightly against him. “Just a nightmare, that’s all.”  
  
“I dreamt that I found Yoonmi not breathing in her crib and when I touched her, she was so cold and still I knew she was already gone,” she gasps and Donghae feels his heart sink painfully.

He’s had similar nightmares but his always feature Jessica screaming over their dead daughter’s body, screaming and screaming before collapsing helplessly in his arms.   
  
“For a second when you woke me up, I thought it was just a horrible nightmare. Until – until I remember it’s not.”  
  
“Sshhh,” Donghae murmurs, struggling to fight his own tears. He uses his fingers to brush away the tears on her face. “It’s okay, I’m here. I’ve got you.”  
  
“I wish it was,” Jessica sobs, her tears seeping into the fabric of his shirt.  
  
“I know baby, I wish it was too.”

 

 

Jessica blows out a frustrated breath, huffing angrily at the hair that falls over her face.  
  
"What's wrong with a teddy bear?" she gestures indignantly at the teddy bear on the shelf next to them.  
  
Donghae smiles indulgently, leaning over to tuck the stray strand of hair over her ear. "It's not special enough."  
  
"And a fish is?" her voice drips with sarcasm.  
  
They are in the middle of the toy section in the middle of a department store in the middle of a shopping mall, debating on what stuffed animal to get for Lily to match the charm bracelet engraved with her name that they've already gotten as her Christening gift.  
  
He spots a smiling flower two shelves down from the teddy bear and bends down to retrieve it. He gives Jessica his most charming and winning smile. "Since her name is Lily, maybe we should just get her a flower."  
  
Jessica rolls her eyes and shoves at his shoulder. "You are too cheesy for your own good."

Her sigh is exasperated but the look she shoots him is brimming with fondness and affection. She turns away from him, already perusing the shelves for another stuffed animal that both of them could agree on.  
  
"You love it when I'm cheesy," Donghae tells her and she hums in agreement, not really listening and contemplating a horrendously green frog with bulging eyes.  
  
"That will give her nightmares," he points out. "I still think  _this_  –," he brandishes a trout with multi-coloured scales under her nose. “– is much better."  
  
Jessica bats the fish away. "It's a fish,” she deadpans.  
  
"Fishes are cute," he insists. "Like me." He adds as an afterthought, remembering what the fans used to call him back in the good old days.  
  
"Not every fish looks like you," she retorts smartly before walking away from him.  
  
Donghae blinks. "Was that a compliment?"  
  
"Maybe," Jessica quirks over her shoulder, blowing him a kiss, eyes twinkling.

Donghae laughs, feeling a surge of affection threaten to overwhelm him.  
  
An hour later, after countless more arguments and heated debates, they finally settle on a bright yellow bumble bee. Donghae thinks the yellow is almost offensive and will blind a newborn baby but he gives in because it's Jessica and the way her eyes had lit up when she saw it never fails to make his heart stutter, like a cliche in some romance novel.

 

 

The morning of Lily’s Christening, Donghae slips out of bed when Jessica is still fast asleep.   
  
He goes to the columbarium and their wedding rings are exactly where he left them the last time he was here. He takes them out and puts them in his breast pocket.  
  
“Hi baby girl,” he greets and tries to smile for her. “I’m taking this back now. Thank you for looking after them for me.” He says, patting the rings in his pocket.   
  
“I know you probably know this already but I miss you princess, so very much. We both do. Sleep tight. We’ll see you again very soon princess, I promise.”

 

 

 

 

After the Christening, Jessica finds Tiffany rocking Lily to sleep on her shoulder, her back to door and singing softly.  
  
Jessica touches her elbow lightly and Tiffany whirls around, startled.  
  
“Jessica Jung Sooyeon,” she admonishes with an accompanying glare. “You almost made me drop your goddaughter.”  
  
Jessica raises her eyebrows at the use of her full name. “It’s not my fault you’re deaf and didn’t hear me come in,” she points out with a quirk of her lips that turns into a full-blown grin when Tiffany huffs at her and rolls her eyes, gently settling Lily down into her pram.   
  
“I used to sing Yoonmi to sleep too,” Jessica says suddenly, her grin sobering into a wistful smile.

Tiffany’s forehead creases and her eyes start to brim with concern.

Jessica cuts in before she gets a chance to say anything and reaches out to stroke Lily’s smooth cheek. “You should finish the song.”  
  
Tiffany studies her for a long moment before replying, offering Jessica a smile of her own. “Only if you join me.”   
  
Jessica hesitates before starting to sing the first verse of Heaven. Tiffany joins her and their voices fill the room in harmony, just as they used to many years ago. The only difference is that they're not on a stage now and so many things have happened since then to get them to this point now.   
  
When the last note ends, Jessica clears her throat and looks at Tiffany, feeling guilt threatening to cause tears to pool in her eyes.  
  
"I haven't been a good friend have I?" Jessica says, swallowing as Tiffany stares at her intensely. "I'm so sorry, Fany-ah."  
  
"Hey, no,” Tiffany interrupts, shaking her head. “You don't get to apologise."   
  
"I was horrible to you. To everyone.”  
  
"Something horrible happened to you, so don't you dare apologise for it," Tiffany says fiercely, reaching out to tangle their fingers together. "Just to be clear, you do have about 7 years of making up to do."  
  
“I deserve it,” Jessica concedes with a watery smile.   
  
Tiffany smiles back at her and something like mischief dances in her twinkling eyes. “You can start by telling me how things are going with Donghae oppa.”  
  
"I don't know," Jessica confesses. "I've missed him and it's nice but I don't know."  
  
"What's not to know?” Tiffany says gently, squeezing her hand once. “You can be happy so go be happy, Jessi."  
  
"It's not that simple. After everything I've put him through – things just fell apart."  
  
Tiffany pulls her into a hug and Jessica lets herself sink into the embrace as Tiffany whispers into her hair. “And maybe now they're finally falling back into place.

 

 

Jessica slips into the seat beside Donghae a few minutes later.  
  
“Hey,” he says. “I missed you, where did you disappear off to?”  
  
The casual way he says it makes something in her heart ache. She wonders if there will ever come a day when he’ll stop second-guessing every time she leaves his side, whether the image of her in his mind will always be her back as she walks away from him.  
  
In trying to put herself back together, she had undeniably broken him. The thought makes tears spring suddenly to her eyes and the guilt sits heavy in her chest, making it hard for her to draw breath. She tries to blink them away before he can see.  
  
Donghae however knows her too well and peers at her, tilting her face up so she is forced to meet his concerned gaze.  
  
“Why are you crying?” he asks and the gentle tone of his voice makes a hard lump form in her throat.  
  
“I’m not,” she says thickly, her voice coming out hoarse. “There’s a bit of dust in my eye.”  
  
“Sooyeon,” he sighs. “I know when you’re lying to me. What’s wrong?”  
  
“I love you,” she blurts out. “I can’t breathe without you.”  
  
She takes a deep shuddering breath until her lungs expand to their fullest before continuing.

“For the longest time, I thought that it would be easier, that it would hurt less if I gave you up, no matter how much it hurt in the meanwhile – and  _god_ , it hurt. But I was wrong – I was wrong to give you up, to stupidly throw you away.”   
  
She takes another deep breath and looks at him beseechingly through her tears, struggling hard to keep them from falling. “I was wrong about it all and I know – I know I can never take it back but I really really wish I could.”  
  
Donghae lets her finish before he speaks.  
  
“I went to visit our daughter when you were still asleep this morning,” Donghae says it matter-of-factly like as though Yoonmi is in the hospital instead of ashes in an urn in a marble slab. “She was keeping something safe for me.”  
  
He takes her hand and presses something into her palm before closing her fist and brushing his lips, feather-light against her knuckles.  
  
Donghae is staring intently at her when she unfurls her fingers slowly, trembling.  
  
There cradled in the middle of her palm is her wedding ring. The one that she had sealed into an envelope and mailed to him, because she thought she is no longer deserving of his love, because she wanted to give him an out if he wanted to take it.  
  
She realises she is crying when Donghae’s fingers brush gently against her cheekbones and comes away wet with her tears.  
  
“Look, something horrible happened to us that never should have but it did and I don’t know if it’ll ever stop hurting because we will always remember that terrible thing that happened to us, we’re always going to think about Yoonmi and miss her. But maybe instead of hurting and missing her alone, we can do it together.”  
  
“We should do it together,” Donghae repeats, his hands coming up to cradle her face between his palms.  
  
“What if it’ll never be the same again? What if we can never be okay again?” Jessica’s voice wavers, betraying how terrified she feels that by walking away from him all those years ago, she had destroyed all hope of it ever being okay again between them, that she had single-handedly robbed them of any chance of redemption and the happy ever after she had pictured when she said  _I do_  at the altar.   
  
“What if we can?” Donghae counters, gazing at her with so much love in his eyes Jessica feels at once thankful and overwhelmed. “I want to hold your hand, Sooyeon-ah. Will you let me?”  
  
Jessica doesn’t answer. Instead, she takes his hand and intertwines their fingers together, her wedding ring pressing cold into the skin of her palm.  
  
She leans her forehead against his and whispers her words against his mouth. “I do.”  
  
She can feel him smile before he bridges the tiny gap between them and kisses her, and she feels a warm glow flow through her and the gaping wounds she had carried for so long slowly start to knit themselves together. 

 


End file.
